I've spent way too long stewing over when to hit the road again. I zoom into Google maps on my laptop and sketch out state maps each day while slow sipping lattes at Lakota Coffee. "Just get on with it man" rings in my head. Looking at maps feels like the only thing keeping me from a deep depression.
But then there is the fear. The thought of traveling again and living out of a backpack. Sleeping in a different place nearly every night. Basically making myself into a homeless person by choice. Opening myself up to possible physical injury while practically guaranteeing myself numerous emotional stab wounds. The pains of loneliness on the road know no proper words.
The pain from what I witnessed has happened to the land and the people in the many states I crossed last year is also still with me. Practically no land has not been disrupted or damaged by us. The disturbing concrete prairies we call cities do us no favors. At least our cars must be happy though with seemingly everything designed in their best interest.
The anguish I feel about returning to traveling reminds me of my fateful birthday in 2015. Why....just why did I not take off work and do something fun that day? Do I hate myself? Why the hell did I knowingly sign up for med student prostate exams that morning and then go to my restaurant job that night only to have a wasp fly up my shirt on the way there....what the fuck Bernie....
And so now I think why the hell am I putting so much time into plotting Greyhound bus rides which take me between gas stations. Have I finally completely lost my mind?! Why am I scaring the shit out of myself about going broke buying bus tickets and putting myself up in dirty motels at odd hours of the night? Why am I distancing myself from my family and all the people that I love to go live out of a backpack and attend random yoga classes? Just a sick need for random adventure?
Don't think I'm that far gone yet. No I think I just am still very intrigued. Intrigued and very curious about how yoga fits with American life. Curious to see examples of healthy land and cityscapes. I think I just still draw immense hope from the power of good people. I have met too many strong-willed, witty individuals in my lifetime to ever lose my inspiration. That's what keeps me going. People give me hope.
People give me coffee too. Eternally grateful to Lakota Coffee for all their gracious service. They've put up with me practically living at their bar at times while I sort out my life. So many staff members have become good friends and great supporters. I feel very lucky indeed:)